Today I dredged up the first post from my first sober blog, written over 4 years ago, and I present it to you here with all of its raw attitude:
Monday, September 21, 2009
My name is Ginny and ok, fine, so I’m an alcoholic
Today I’m not going to drink and I’m kind of pissed off about it.
[Hubby] has been hounding me to quit/cut way back for a long time.
I’ve been digging my heels in the sand because I refuse to quit for HIM. He thinks I’m wrong about everything. Almost everything I do is criticized and nothing is appreciated. Reason enough to reach for another drink. Or two. Make that one a double.
I’m sick of the conversation. With him. And in my own head.
I’ll quit, but on my terms. I’ll do it for ME, not him.
These are MY 12 reasons for not drinking alcohol today:
- Save my long-term health. I intend to live to 95 and enjoy an active life with my grandkids. Dying of liver disease or cancer at 60 would not allow that, would it?
- Control my destiny. I don’t like the fact that it has such a hold on me that I can’t say no to it when I know I should. Fuck you, Windsor. You are not the boss of me.
- Set a better example for my kids who are all prone to this disease. I just saw an up-close and dangerous example of the perils when son #1 passed out in public on a trip to another city. This is not ok.
- Fewer daily calories. I want to lose the belly fat and no amount of healthy eating or exercising helps while I load up on alcohol each night.
- Ability to face each new day with more clarity and energy. I’m more functional and productive than most sober people, but I could be even better without the cloud.
- More time and attention for other evening activities. I can go more places if I’m not drinking, read more books, play more games, take on hobbies, start running. And more.
- Less time with head in the sand. Procrastination, ignoring taxes, bills, not being organized (“la-la-la-la I can’t hear you”) is having serious consequences.
- Heightened consciousness about the state of my marriage. The ability to figure out once and for all if he’s the crazy one or if I am.
- To show [Hubby] that I can do it. He thinks that he’s stronger than me because he cut back to beer and wine? Watch me. I can stop altogether.
- Save money – probably $25/week. In a year I can have that leather sofa I want.
- Avoid those unexpected changes in attitude that turn me into a nasty bitch. No one likes her.
- Give me a feeling of pride so I don’t have to work 3 jobs for personal validation.
This was the start of one of my more successful runs at sobriety. It lasted over 30 days and I was doing really well until I decided that, well, maybe I wasn’t really an alcoholic after all, and, um, maybe I’d just take a break from blogging. Yeah.
I spent another two years figuring out that I needed to quit. Maybe my denial was so strong that even 40 years of dysfunctional behavior wasn’t quite enough to convince me. I had to get back in the saddle and get bucked around for another couple of years before I’d let reality sink in.
Now, after almost 2 years sober I wonder, “Who was that crabby drunk?”
I’m a different person, for sure. Defiance has turned to humility and compassion. All of my hopes for sobriety came true, and then some.
If you’ve tried and failed, you’re not alone. Never quit quitting. Freedom awaits, and it’s so worth it.